There was a knock on the door and I called for the knocker to enter. A head was stuck around the corner and the man asked “Is this the room for the hero interview?” “Yes”, I told him, “Please come in and take a seat.”
He took a seat, squirming around on the chair a little to get comfortable. “Will you please introduce yourself?” I asked.
“Hi, I am Richard Cranium, and yes, I know and have heard all the jokes before. I am here to interview for the position of the hero in the new story.” He folded his hands in his lap and looked at me expectantly. “Why do you want to be the hero of the story Mr Cranium…may I call you ..” I started asking. “Rich!” he exclaimed, “call me Rich”. “Ah thank you, Rich”, I continued, “Why do you want to be the hero of this story?”
“Well,” he said, “I think I can bring something new and exciting to the hero character in any story. My personality is quite unique and I think I am easy to like and get along with, so the readers? yes?” I nodded. “The readers will have an easy time identifying with me and will engage with the story more easily.” I made a note on my notepad – “Narcissist, hes got the right name”. He continued “Besides, who doesn’t want to be the hero of an epic adventure!?” I made another note – “If this guy gets the part, man is he in for a bad time!”.
“Rich”, I asked ” have you read the outline of the story?” “Of course I have”, he responded, “well I took a quick look, went through it and such.” “So you, flipped though it and saw the word ‘Hero’ in there and thought you’d apply” “Yea, you got me” he said, looking a little abashed. “But you know how it is in the character business, you have to apply for so many rolls and there is never enough time to read everything.” I made another note on my pad, “Lazy. Chancer.”
“Why do you want to be the hero?”, I asked, “What made you decide to become a hero?”
“Who doesn’t want to be the hero?!”, he exclaimed, throwing his arms wide and grinning from ear to ear. “Everybody loves a hero! Everyone wants to be the good guy who kicks evil’s ass and gets the girl in the end!”
“So you’re doing it for the admiration and … the … women?”
“Of course! Well, I mean, I wouldn’t mind a little action! And everyone knows no women can resist a hero!”. He winked at me and I suppressed a sigh and made a note in my book. “Mercenary.”
I went on to my next question. “Would you give me an example of you being heroic?” “Um no, like I told you before, I’ve never actually managed to land a hero role before.” “From your everyday life then”, I prompted. He thought for a minute, drumming his fingers on his lips and staring off to the side, evidently thinking hard. “Ah yes!”, he said, snapping his fingers. “There was that cat in the tree the other day.” “Oh, did you climb up a tall tree and rescue it?” I asked, for the first time feeling that this guy might have have some heroic material that could be useful and started writing “Saves small animals” in my notebook. “Yes!”, he said excitedly, then more thoughtfully “only it wasn’t so much a tree as a large shrub. So I couldn’t really climb it, you see.” “So what did you do then?” I asked, “did you get a ladder and lift it down? Or did you manage to coax it out then catch it?” “Nooo,” he said slowly, “I used the hose.” I stopped writing and slowly drew a line though what I had written. “You used the…hose?” “Yes, see it was making a mess of the shrubbery so I blasted the little asshole”, he laughed, “went out of there like it was trying to beak the land-speed record! MEEEEEEE-Oooooooowwwww!”, he said, imitating the the flight of the cat with his hand and making a noise too show the Doppler effect as the cat ran past. He threw his head back and laughed. “Psychopath” went into my notebook and got circled. A few times.
Next question “Do you have any special skills? What do you bring to the story?” “Check,” he said, “I’ve got loads of skills.” He started counting them off on his fingers. “I make a mean mach-n-cheese.”, right thumb. “I can beat-box like a pro”, right index finger. “I can drive just about any car so long as its got four wheels, is automatic and made after 2005”, right middle finger. “I just got my green-belt in fung-shoeie last week”, right ring finger. “Feng-shui?” I asked. “Yea man, the art of the deadly touch!” he said excitedly. “I’m getting really dangerous” A line of question-marks long enough to do a thirteen year old proud went into my notebook. “I play a mean golf game”, he said, puffing out his chest proudly and pushing hard on his right pinky. “Oh, whats your handicap?” I asked politely. “Forty-four” can the proud reply. “I might be going pro soon!” I blinked, not sure if he was joking or serious.
Deciding that he was, I blinked hard a few times, “Delusional” went into the notebook and I went on with the next question before you could impart some more jewels of ignorance to me. “Have you been a hero before?” “Well, I was a small supporting hero a few years ago.” he said, appearing reluctant to talk about it. “how did that go?”, I asked. “Not well, I’m afraid”. He rubbed his hand over one eye and cheek and then through his hair. “You have to understand that I was a pretty undeveloped character back then and I tried to get some more page time. I really have grown a lot since then.” “Possible ham” went into my note book and I inquired “What happened ?”. “Well”, he started reluctantly, “the roll was very small. I was supposed to save a supporting hero from a bank robber by stepping in front of her when a bank robber shot her. Well, the bank robber seemed sort of puny and I thought I’d jump him when he turned away” The “Possible” in front of “ham” got crossed out of my notebook. “How was I supposed to know that he had was wearing a suicide vest too?” I resisted the urge drop my face into my hand. Face-palming is not an acceptable thing to do during interviews. “So…”, he went on, “the whole bank and everyone in it, sort of … got … wiped out.” He looked down at his hands folded in his lap, clearly embarrassed. “Have you learned the importance of sticking to the story script then?”, I asked. “Yea of course, man! I’m all about the script now!” “So are you ready to die for the sake of the story?”, I asked seriously. “Well, um … I’d really prefer not to, you know?” he said with a pained look on his face, “That sort of thing tends to stay with you. Bad memories. Flashbacks and the like.” “Naturally” I said blandly. “But are you willing to die in the story?” He rocked his head from side to side and said hesitantly “I’m going to have to go with no.” “Not really hero material” went into the notebook.
“Would you be willing to play any other roles that we think you might be more suited for in the story ?”, I asked. “Well, yea, of course, but I really would prefer to be the hero, you know!” “Possible evil side-kick or small time villain” went into the notebook and I replied evenly “Naturally”.
I read off the next question, “Have you read the outline, Rich?”. “Of course!” came the reply instantly, followed a second or two later by “well, more like scanned it … glanced might be more accurate. Basically I saw the chance to be a hero and I took it, okay?”.
“And that brings us to our last question” I said, smiling at Rick Cranium, “What do you expect to gain from getting this part Rick? ” He brightened and sat up straighter. “Well, if this pans out as I hope it will, I’m hoping to get my own line of action figured launched! That would be the ultimate, but some merchandising and my face on a few billboards and lunch-boxes would also be pretty good. At the very least I think I’ll be able to get lucky with a few groupies, if you know what I mean!” he said winking at me. I smiled and wrote “definite” above the crossed out “possible” in front of “ham”.”
“Well, Rick, I think I know just what to do with you”, I said standing up and extending my hand to Rick Cranium, “I’ll be in touch and let you know how things turn out.” “Cool, man”, he said, taking my hand trying for a crushing grip and failing, “Thanks for the chance.” I opened the door and let him out “Good-bye, Mr Cranium”. “Cheers man!” he said over his shoulder as he left the room.
I closed the door behind him and sat down, then indulged in the face-palm that I suppressed earlier. I gave him a few moments thought and then snorted as I decided what I should do with Mister Richard Cranium, and made a last note in my note-book.